Deirdre Does Poems

Poems by Deirdre

Oh Edinburgh

Up here in Scotland
It’s lovely 
Everyone has such charming accents
And they all flirt with me 

Handing out flyers 
And talking about their shows 
And begging me to come and watch
They flatter me in their droves

And they are into such lovely things 
Like singing, dancing, acting 
And Some of them even do comedy
But I always thought that would be too hard for me

But while I was up at the fringe
One evening I was cajoled 
Into getting up onto the stage 
Despite the fact I’m old 

So I told one of my poems 
Because that’s what I like to do 
To see if they’d understand me 
And find me funny too

My poem went: 

They’re so good for you
Releasing gas into the air 
Just to make sure You’re prepped for your poo
There’s no more gas in your colon tunnel
You’ve squeezed it all out, 
Just like a funnel
So now you’re ready for the good stuff
The big stuff
The smelly stuff 
(Well sometimes it is)
The brown stuff
The poo
Out it comes
And then I bid it farewell 
As I flush it down the loo

And they seemed to enjoy this little ditty
That I’d written one night when my belly felt a bit sh*tty
Because, you know, it’s tough in my old age 
And the haggis seems to make me fart for days and days and days 

Oh haggis
You yummy yummy yum


Whatching as you go to and fro
To and fro and to and fro
Watching the balls fly
Go go go

Then one off on a wonder goes 
Off of the court 
And towards the side 

A gutter ball 
A lost point
A fail 

The disappointment of everyone, the sad wails 

Oh tennis player
In your Ariel whites 
Why can’t you just 
Play the sport right 

Because then we would never bore 
As the ball to’s and fro’s across the court 
To and fro and to and fro 

Don’t let that ball drop, 
Oh no no no

There Are Things I Don’t Understand In Life

There I things I don’t understand in life 
Lots of pain, and trouble and strife
We focus on the bad things and the sad things and the mad things 
Like the war and the tears and the blood and the killings 

We focus on things like genocide 
People killing animals and suicide 
About bad tv presenters who I can’t even abide 
And distressing ways in which people have died 

But I say we put all that hate aside 
All those bad thoughts and sad thoughts in our minds 
And we focus on what’s really great 
Like people saving lives and the great British bake 

Off with that there fit Paul Hollywood 
People often ask me, and the answer is yes – I would 

Or when people do un-offensive things the press don’t think they should
Let ’em have a go – we should do it too – it could do us all some good

And what about those awesome things in history
Like freedom of speech, and votes for women, and the invention of tea
I don’t understand why we focus on the negativity 
It’s all a bit like Ancient Greek to me 

Just Be happy 

Sir David Attenborough

Discovering things is easy 
All you’ve got to do
Is switch on that there telebox
And listen to whatever David Attenborough has to say to you 

Sometimes he talks about Africa
Sometimes he talks about plants 
Sometimes he talks about beluga whales 
Sometimes he talks about farms 

But whenever he’s on tele
I always discover something new
So David attenborough, keep on discovering 
David Attenborough, we love you 

Francais Rap

Je suis dierdre
And I’m really into my poetry 
Im old, I’m alone, and I need a new beau
So voulez vous couchet Avec me?! 

This is my dating rap
I don’t care what you think about that 
50 cent ain’t got nothing on me
Not now he’s filing for bankruptcy! 

But, to all you eligible gents
From this moment hence
Speak to me in Francis, oui oui 
Love me, love me please! 

Bonjour bonjour 
Francais a la rap 
Francais a la rap 


Zombies zombies everywhere
Look out, there’s one! Right over there 
Texting on their mobile phones 
They’ve still got on those typing tones! 

Trying to listen to Radio 4 
Instead I can hear random beats galore 
Blaring out from someone’s headphones
Hey, look mister, or missus, I’m trying to listen to Paxman here 

Whatever next? The over 70’s on Facebook 
I dread to look 
I’m in Facebook, but I’m young at heart 
And I love sharing that meme art 

But enough about me, let’s focus on the zombies 
At least when I’m out and about I socialise better than the wombles 
Instead of staring at a small rectangle of plastic 
Oh this nation needs a wake up call drastic 

Yes you can find out about the news on there 
But then you’d miss out seeing some guy’s crazy blue hair 
As he sits opposite you on the tube 
You’re missing out on life! And playing on your phone is darned rude! 

Put it away at the dinner table! I mean, really!!

Feeling Political

What has happened to our democracy?
Why don’t people just chill out, like me?
There’s no point in fighting, let’s work together
To get through this political stormy weather

Bad decisions have been made a-plenty 
They’ve made a homophobe the minister for equality
And they’re trying to scrap the act for human rights 
What are they doing? Have they lost their minds?!

But still, we mustn’t argue or fight 
We must stand up to them with all our might!
We can be the positive change in society 
And grow up to be who we want to be 

So stand together, UK, in all your uproar 
Don’t stand apart and create a word war
For together we are stronger, that must be said 
Now I’ve said my piece, I’m off to bed!! 


London Living Wage

Hello I’m Deirdre
And I’m a big fan of history 
Over the years there’s been much that I’ve seen 
Loads of lovely things have happened to me

When I was born way back in 1504
I saw things that you ain’t never seen before
I saw King Henry 8th, and he was fit, phwoar
I were there when they invented the door

Of course I’m not as old as all that
But I’m older than Tom Jones as a matter of fact 

But I feel like I am ancient history
I feel like I were there when they discovered tea

Like I were there when they dug up tutun karmun
I were there when they stood on the moon
When that moby dick were harpooned 
And when they discovered Baby June 

I were there when they discovered the pyramids 
I were there to see what Jesus did
I even met Mohammed 
I were there when Freud discovered the ‘Id’

I were there when princess Diana died 
I were there when the King, Elvis, died
I were there when Ghandi died 
Why does everyone lovely have to die? 

I were there when they invented the wheel 
When they started building cars with steel
When they invented and named the colour teal
I were there when they invented the wheel

Ok, so I weren’t there for all of that 
But I’m pretty darn old, and that’s a fact 
If there’s one thing I’m happy with in my old age 
It’s that I might one day live to see people earning the London living wage

Game Of Thrones

Game of thrones 
With your plot line so strong 
Game of thrones 
How I can’t wait till you’re on

Game of thrones 
Your characters rule
Game of thrones 
You’re so cool 

Game of thrones 
With your fire and dragons 
Game of thrones 
With your dungeons and dragons
Game of thrones 
With your incest and dragons 
Game of thrones
With your beheading and dragons 
Game of thrones 
With your nudity and dragons 
Game of thrones with your dragons and sex 
Dragons and sex and dragons and sex
And dragons and sex and dragons and sex 
Game of thrones 
No no no! Why’d you have to kill him off?? WWWHHHHYYYYYYY??!!

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