Up here in Scotland
It’s lovely 
Everyone has such charming accents
And they all flirt with me 

Handing out flyers 
And talking about their shows 
And begging me to come and watch
They flatter me in their droves

And they are into such lovely things 
Like singing, dancing, acting 
And Some of them even do comedy
But I always thought that would be too hard for me

But while I was up at the fringe
One evening I was cajoled 
Into getting up onto the stage 
Despite the fact I’m old 

So I told one of my poems 
Because that’s what I like to do 
To see if they’d understand me 
And find me funny too

My poem went: 

They’re so good for you
Releasing gas into the air 
Just to make sure You’re prepped for your poo
There’s no more gas in your colon tunnel
You’ve squeezed it all out, 
Just like a funnel
So now you’re ready for the good stuff
The big stuff
The smelly stuff 
(Well sometimes it is)
The brown stuff
The poo
Out it comes
And then I bid it farewell 
As I flush it down the loo

And they seemed to enjoy this little ditty
That I’d written one night when my belly felt a bit sh*tty
Because, you know, it’s tough in my old age 
And the haggis seems to make me fart for days and days and days 

Oh haggis
You yummy yummy yum